Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
You Might Also Like
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.