Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
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(True)
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.