Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner