Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
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When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.