If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
You Might Also Like
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.