My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
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“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?