I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
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Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?