Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
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Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Catering service
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
🔦🌙👣
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off