“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
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My apartment is a mess, I should move
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”