Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
*Seductively hides in the woods
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos