Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
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BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
happy valentine’s day to me
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint