I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
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[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”