Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
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Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I have a type: disappointing
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again