(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
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Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
had to make it
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial