What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!