girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
This cat wants you to take your pills
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
#Caturday
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.