DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
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It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
The devil.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?