My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*