Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
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Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Good Morning.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them