If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
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If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler