Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
You Might Also Like
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS