[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
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I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*