Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
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Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day