Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
You Might Also Like
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
This squirrel eats better than I do
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.