“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me