Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
You Might Also Like
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I see your IQ test came back negative
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.