Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
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horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair