All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
You Might Also Like
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I’m not stressed
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.