Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
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*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Based Erika
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time