Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
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Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.