“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
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People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Baller is short for ballerina
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.