“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
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I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I feel seen.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?