me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
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I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
j o i m p
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.