My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
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If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”