academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
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I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty