Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
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Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”