Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do