Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The smoothest fall of all time
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ