*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
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Made a playlist for your weekend hike
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.