My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
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Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.