Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
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PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww