[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
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[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done