Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
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*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.