Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
How to woo a woman
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I thought this was funny lol
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
こいつ天才
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ