doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
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Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
He took my last fry, your honor
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Last-minute gift idea!
Digital security in Ancient Troy
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.