Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
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[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
It’s the weekend y’all
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.