HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
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mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Children of the corn 🌽
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
bias laundering edition
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!