You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Seems kinda suspicious
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti