Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
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Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Zack Greinke stories are the best
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one