goldfish mafia
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I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
A game married people play.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
a badder mouse
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.